Big Bro

Most have heard the old saying “People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.” Pretty simple concept, I think. Don’t call your friend an idiot for wearing tie-dyed t-shirts and listening to the Grateful Dead if you’re following Justin Bieber on Twitter. But with each passing day, it becomes more evident that this common sense-ical adage has been kicked into the proverbial (pun so intended) gutter like MySpace and left to rot like a still-twitching appendage from The Walking Dead.

Okay, that was obviously a joke, but as I just finished 1984...

Musical Clarification: The George Orwell book, not that lame Van Halen album where Eddie V. decided that being a rock-guitar god wasn’t enough so he turned into the keyboardist for Flock of Seagulls. Jump? I would have if I lived anywhere near a bridge.



Anyway, I reread this book last week. Aside from the obvious fact that Big Brother is indeed watching us, yada, yada, yada, it’s crazy how many things that this author wrote about are coming true.  Just one is  the statement “Ignorance is Strength” (we have to pass the bill to find out what’s in it; huh?), fiddling around with history; America =bad/ Socialism =good. 2+2 equals 5 these days fer sure.

It’s strange how much my good old U.S. of A. has transformed in just the last ten years. Take what Mr. Orwell calls the “Thought Police.” Isn’t this already happening? I am surprised that taping private conversations with a cell phone and using it to destroy a person’s life is legal, let alone suddenly so popular.  Why isn’t anyone up in arms about this?  Isn’t this what people are accusing the government of doing, and so against? I would bet a billion dollars that a close friend of yours could testify (and confirm my suspicions) that you have said something that could be considered racist, politically incorrect or just plain old-fashioned stupid in your life. We all have. If you said you haven’t, you can add liar to your list.

Now, because of the drought and subsequent restrictions on water consumption the “Water Police” have arrived in California. As if we don’t have enough problems just avoiding the “work for food” guys, we are now are encouraged to seek out and turn in (rat out, if you will) those disgusting water wasters. Oh, it’s all confidential (wouldn’t want to be known as a Ra…er… tuner inner. In case you get the wrong idea, I am not in favor of wasting water. The thought of not being able to bathe is enough to cause me to spend every waking hour walking the streets looking for those who haven’t quite figured out that concrete is not alive, and will not grow no matter how much you soak it.

I think we should have fast food police.  We could deputize all the Vegans and send them out to bust the people who eat too much junk food and force them into gobbling down a few carrots. Or perhaps we could establish a “skinny jean, crop top and make-up” task force that would monitor bad fashion and stop people from purchasing garments that are too small. Or my personal favorite, the “Idiot Police.” Of course, most politicians would be instantly out of work. Oh well, there are plenty of programs they would be entitled to sign up for.

Yes, my paranoid friends, Big Bro is coming soon to a neighborhood near you.

K.G.

Se-Man-Tics

It’s been quite a week, no?  Things seem to be heating up quickly, which is no surprise considering who is running the asylum we call home.  Dare I say the devil’s in the details? Oh, you know I do.

So much liberal vs conservative rhetoric being bandied about has got me thinking.  Who dunked the world in a giant vat of Kool-Aid?  Oh, yes, brothers and sisters, that deceiver and father of all lies; the guy formerly known as “Prince of this World”; you guessed it, the Devil. It seems that this administration (talking the devil here, not the president; but I can understand the confusion) has swept rationality under the tree-hugging, global-warming, climate -changing,  “we’re all racists” rug along with pretty much all propriety and good old American common sense. There are so many lines being drawn in the sand between believers and non-believers, and in some cases, between believers and believers, that most Christians who believe every jot and tittle of the Word is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God,  can feel the ocean lapping on their heels.

The lines are being blurred. Two cases in point:

A Christian teenager I know has expressed views that kind of surprised me. He said he won’t eat at one burger franchise because of the overtly sexual content of their ads, but sees no reason to avoid another burger chain who has decided to dedicate a burger to a small segment of the population and have kidnapped God’s rainbow, slapping it on a burger wrapper as some kind of weird statement about us all being the same inside. Really? Can't a hamburger just be a hamburger.  And besides, wouldn’t a hot dog in a hamburger bun have been more apropos? (That was a joke. Not a hater, racist or homophobe.)

The second one is about a video I was watching the other day. They were discussing climate change, weather remodeling or atmospheric alterations; I can’t remember; whatever it’s called this week.  The question of Christians came up. It was stated because of our unwillingness to believe their “truth,” we would most likely have to be re-educated. Huh? Calling George Orwell.  But that wasn’t the interesting part. He said because we refuse to believe this “truth” about climate change doesn’t change the facts, and that if they’re wrong on this, no harm, no foul, but if they’re right, well, buddy, the Christian naysayers are in trouble. Now, I ask you, if I exchanged their truth for our truth, you’d basically have the message we’ve been trying to get them to understand. It’s a matter of semantics. That not believing in God or Jesus doesn’t mean they just cease to exist. The only difference is if the climate guys are right we get a little hotter, but if we’re right….

Maybe we could use this to open up a dialogue.

K.G.

Let’s Get Physical

Greetings cyber-space cowboys, it is I, Hot Grandpa back with more thought-provoking tidbits guaranteed to make you wonder just who is out there and do they really think we might taste like chicken.

Funny Fitness Anecdote:

Last week I purchased a tank top at a secondhand store with the name of a well-known swimsuit company printed on the front. At the grocery store today, the checkout clerk asked me if I was a “Speedo” model. My wife will miss work for the next few days. I believe she broke something while rolling around on the floor.

As one gets older, it becomes crystal clear that years and years of eating food distributed by happy clowns and little red-headed girls can begin to reshape the human body into something resembling a sumo wrestler. I wanted to say Fat Albert but I was afraid that would be misconstrued, so I will pick on the aliens instead.

I do some form of exercise every day:  walk, run or lift a few weights; anything to keep my waistline (and other manly parts) from turning into a wasteland of lumps, humps and jiggly bumps. Am I successful? Well, the jury is still out, but judging by my ability to run downhill without a sports bra and not get pummeled in the face, I’d say I’m making progress.

Anyway, all this working out got me thinking. If there is life on other planets, do they have the same problem? Do the little green men have little round beer bellies and sagging butts from sitting in their saucers for millions of miles? I realize they probably don’t have beer, but I’m sure they've found something to overindulge in, like an extra-large order of radioactive grubs from the planet Xazzabba, or perhaps a super-grande, Venusian tar-crab smoothie. I for one would not be surprised in the least.  Any intelligent civilization will have stumbled on dessert. I mean, without Twinkies we’d be nothing more than savages.

My point is, if they've been around a lot longer than us, then they have no doubt discovered the joy of stuffing the ‘ol pie hole with high-calorie krapolla, and are more than likely sporting some serious zero gravity moobs and alien love handles. So just maybe, if we were invaded, they would be at least as out of shape as we are and all we would have to do is out run them. Besides, we’re already used to the gravity here, so I think we would have a slight edge.

I am going for a walk now. I want to be ready. I for one am not going to get probed by a chubby alien.

K.G.

Klaatu Barada Nikto

Live long and prosper my lonely cyber- cadets. I applaud you as you search the outer reaches of cyber-space and beyond in an attempt to find truth, justice and good Chinese take-out.

Been pondering this whole alien thing (outer space ones, not illegal ones; though the “illegal” case could be made for both, I suppose). In a HuffPost/YouGov survey, one fourth of Americans said that they think aliens have visited us, while a third said “Yeah, when pigs fly.” The rest of the respondents were trying to get their medical marijuana cards and really just wanted to find the nearest Jack in the Box. Among those who were convinced that life exists on other planets, 45 percent said that aliens visit Earth often and possibly own one of the local Quicky-Marts.

Even noted Physicist Stephen Hawking (when not hitting on women) took time to respond. Mr. Hawking, in that weird, robot-like, digitally-voice, said that intelligent life on other planets probably exists, but that if little green men had visited Earth it would have been a "much more unpleasant" experience than any UFO sightings. So I guess being “tied down and probed” could be filed under “not that unpleasant”, especially if they bought you a Proud Whopper and dropped you off at the front door after.

College grads that were surveyed were more willing than non-college graduates to believe that life exists in some form elsewhere in the universe, although no more eager to admit that aliens have actually visited. Their reasoning, “Hot chicks just don’t go for crazy guys.”

Older respondents were much more likely than younger ones to state firmly that Earth has played Motel 6 to alien visitors, but this could be due to easier access to prescription medication.

I think this whole alien craze is just another way to keep our spirits up when we fail at dating sites like eHarmony and Tinder. We are so desperate to believe that there is someone out there for us, our “willing to travel for love” distance has expanded to include the rest of the universe. As for me, well, I have a hard time driving twenty minutes to get a Mocha Frappuccino, and I never really cared for girls with tentacles.

My hypothesis:
Aliens have been visiting the earth not to poke and prod us (though this sounds like good clean fun), but to dump their garbage here. It’s their radioactive trash in the atmosphere that is making us lose all common sense an accuse each other of being racist, homophobic, and overenthusiastic about World Cup soccer (Stephen King; you may use this for your next novel for a nominal fee).

K.G.