Too Much Time on My Hands

“Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment. There is no why.”

― Kurt Vonnegut

“The future is uncertain, but the end is always near.”

― Jim Morrison

The invisible enemy.

I’m slurping Top Ramen (by choice, for now) and staring out the window. It still looks the same. No killer virus attacking the glass trying to get in. Well, at least that I’m aware of. Those viral droplets are cagey little fellows. Too bad they’re not the size of basketballs. Going outside would be like playing lethal dodge-ball. Unfortunately, a virus is more like the creepy new reboot of The Invisible Man; you just never know where they’re hiding.

Making news more fun.

Since we're all holed up in our homes, many of us have had the news on 24/7 to stay abreast of the COVID-19 spread. We've been inundated with stats and facts, so I'm thinking of more ideas on how to make news more fun.

Here's a thought: The networks should let the narrator from the Curse of Oak Island do the intro to all the broadcasts. If you haven’t invested hundreds of hours watching these guys hunt for treasure, only to be let down week after week after week, you’re missing out, well, eh… on nothing, I guess.

My point, you ask? The narration is quite (unintentionally) humorous due to the fact that most of what he says is couched in the form of a question.

“We’ve been told… to shelter in place? Millions… could be infected? Toilet paper stocks… are severely limited? Could the Knights Templar be involved?"

Fun with math.

What I find interesting about these times is if you've driven the LA or OC freeways at any time during these past few weeks, you've seen the digital LED billboards lit up with messages about COVID-19, avoid social gatherings, and such. One message even instructed on hand-washing.

So here's where my brain went with that message. Let’s say you wash your hands at a minimum of 5 times a day. There are 327 million Americans currently residing in the good 'ole U.S. of A. So if I'm doing my simple arithmetic correctly, that’s roughly 1,625,000,000,000 hand washings a day x 15 days. Forget the toilet paper, I’m hoarding Dove soap.

The upside, our sewers have never been cleaner.

Social distancing.

Interesting new term this "Social distancing" directive. As an anxiety ridden, introverted musician, I’ve been practicing social distancing all my life. I've often been compared to Howard Hughes, sans the long fingernails and personal wealth.

Encouraging me to avoid people and stay home, is like telling a Disney-a-holic that they have to take up permanent residence in the Magic Kingdom.

Score one for the anxious!

All geared up and no place to rock.

With clubs, bars and restaurants cancelling all live music for the immediate future, gigging musicians are relegated to playing with themselves(mind up and out of the gutter, please). Maybe it's better said, "By themselves."

Anywhoo, this isn’t an issue for most guitarists. All they really want to hear is themselves anyway. Truth. Personally, I find that a loud rhythm section always covers a multitude of free-form, fret wanking sins.

Practice is imperative with all this time off. At the end of the two weeks we've been ordered to stay at home, we should all be as technically proficient as Eddie Van Halen. Okay, we'll possibly look like hairy vagrants but we'll have very clean hands.

Prison with a view.

Being under this stay-in-place quarantine seems a lot like livin' behind bars except the jails have better Internet speed, (AT&T, I'm talking to you!) and don’t have to ration toilet paper. With everybody working from home, I'm just watching my Google search screen as it spins and buffers and buffers and buffers…

What crime can I commit that won't look so bad on a rap sheet? I gotta get some work done here.

Ladies and Germs, what’s next?

As I have time to ponder, and my mind begins to wander, he's where it goes. 

·         When this whole pandemic is over will this forced isolation cause us to crave the company others?

·         Will we finally be kind to the people who cut in line at Starbucks?

·         Will we willingly talk to our neighbors?

Biggest question of all, will we find out who hoarded all the toilet paper?

Don’t expect any miracles, my friends.