Too Much Time on My Hands

“Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment. There is no why.”

― Kurt Vonnegut

“The future is uncertain, but the end is always near.”

― Jim Morrison

The invisible enemy.

I’m slurping Top Ramen (by choice, for now) and staring out the window. It still looks the same. No killer virus attacking the glass trying to get in. Well, at least that I’m aware of. Those viral droplets are cagey little fellows. Too bad they’re not the size of basketballs. Going outside would be like playing lethal dodge-ball. Unfortunately, a virus is more like the creepy new reboot of The Invisible Man; you just never know where they’re hiding.

Making news more fun.

Since we're all holed up in our homes, many of us have had the news on 24/7 to stay abreast of the COVID-19 spread. We've been inundated with stats and facts, so I'm thinking of more ideas on how to make news more fun.

Here's a thought: The networks should let the narrator from the Curse of Oak Island do the intro to all the broadcasts. If you haven’t invested hundreds of hours watching these guys hunt for treasure, only to be let down week after week after week, you’re missing out, well, eh… on nothing, I guess.

My point, you ask? The narration is quite (unintentionally) humorous due to the fact that most of what he says is couched in the form of a question.

“We’ve been told… to shelter in place? Millions… could be infected? Toilet paper stocks… are severely limited? Could the Knights Templar be involved?"

Fun with math.

What I find interesting about these times is if you've driven the LA or OC freeways at any time during these past few weeks, you've seen the digital LED billboards lit up with messages about COVID-19, avoid social gatherings, and such. One message even instructed on hand-washing.

So here's where my brain went with that message. Let’s say you wash your hands at a minimum of 5 times a day. There are 327 million Americans currently residing in the good 'ole U.S. of A. So if I'm doing my simple arithmetic correctly, that’s roughly 1,625,000,000,000 hand washings a day x 15 days. Forget the toilet paper, I’m hoarding Dove soap.

The upside, our sewers have never been cleaner.

Social distancing.

Interesting new term this "Social distancing" directive. As an anxiety ridden, introverted musician, I’ve been practicing social distancing all my life. I've often been compared to Howard Hughes, sans the long fingernails and personal wealth.

Encouraging me to avoid people and stay home, is like telling a Disney-a-holic that they have to take up permanent residence in the Magic Kingdom.

Score one for the anxious!

All geared up and no place to rock.

With clubs, bars and restaurants cancelling all live music for the immediate future, gigging musicians are relegated to playing with themselves(mind up and out of the gutter, please). Maybe it's better said, "By themselves."

Anywhoo, this isn’t an issue for most guitarists. All they really want to hear is themselves anyway. Truth. Personally, I find that a loud rhythm section always covers a multitude of free-form, fret wanking sins.

Practice is imperative with all this time off. At the end of the two weeks we've been ordered to stay at home, we should all be as technically proficient as Eddie Van Halen. Okay, we'll possibly look like hairy vagrants but we'll have very clean hands.

Prison with a view.

Being under this stay-in-place quarantine seems a lot like livin' behind bars except the jails have better Internet speed, (AT&T, I'm talking to you!) and don’t have to ration toilet paper. With everybody working from home, I'm just watching my Google search screen as it spins and buffers and buffers and buffers…

What crime can I commit that won't look so bad on a rap sheet? I gotta get some work done here.

Ladies and Germs, what’s next?

As I have time to ponder, and my mind begins to wander, he's where it goes. 

·         When this whole pandemic is over will this forced isolation cause us to crave the company others?

·         Will we finally be kind to the people who cut in line at Starbucks?

·         Will we willingly talk to our neighbors?

Biggest question of all, will we find out who hoarded all the toilet paper?

Don’t expect any miracles, my friends.

Can't Spare a Square

“Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.”

-Joey Bishop

“Sorry, I can’t spare a square.”

-Elaine Benes (Seinfeld)

Déjà flu.

Just when I thought life couldn’t get any more bizarre, along comes the coronavirus. Now, it’s not like we haven’t had our share of outbreaks, but if memory serves me right, they've involved animals of some sort; birds, swine, cows, sheep, and bugs (the buzzing kind), mostly. Oh, and the now infamous Ebola, which though it's not named after, but in my opinion should be, called the Cheetah flu, just to keep this whole animal theme going.

The end of the world as we know it.

Do any of you remember the Y2K hoopla? What about the Mayan calendar hooey and the frequent giant asteroid predictions that have caused similar, but not this panicky of reaction in people?

My assumption is because those events were meant to either wipe out all humanity as we know it, or at the least send us back to the stone age - which, considering the legalization of marijuana, we might already be there.

You can rest easy, though, my friends. This Corona thing will apparently only take out those of us who don’t have enough double-ply Charmin on hand.

Just crying wolf.

Don’t we have enough real-life disasters with floods, tidal waves, earthquakes, tornadoes and the McPizza (not a McJoke) and Urkel-O’s cereal to freak out about than this virus? The thing about these other global and regional disasters is there’s no warning. No chance to panic due to amped up media coverage until after the fact.

Hmm… is there a connection here? Could the news be spreading the flus?

Are you feelin’ froggy?

My curiosity pauses at this question: Has anyone done a study on leap years and wacky behavior?

Perhaps the alignment of the planets Dagobah and Andor every four years produces a ripple in the force, causing a gravitational pull on the tiny part of the brain that controls rational thinking. I’d like to think so. Otherwise, “Crazy you are, I think,” as Yoda would say.

Life is a masquerade, old chum.

As I let my mind wander (I know, a dangerous thing to do) I wonder if bank tellers and 7-11 employees get nervous when someone walks in wearing a white dust mask. I would. People are hard enough to read as it is.

Without seeing the mouth, how do we know if someone is smiling?

If you’re having a bad day, I would like to know it. I don’t want to piss you off any more than you already are. For. Sure.

I’m Dow Jones-ing it.

Why does the stock market always do a big Sherman during these mysterious pandemics? I see nothing but golden opportunities. When life hands you Lyme’s, make a margarita. Companies that sell products like latex gloves, toilet paper, water, and masks are set to make a fortune.

Famous actors, sports stars and musicians should jump on the bandwagon. This is a marketer's dream. Imagine Michael Jackson's signature medical masks and limited-edition, white glitter latex gloves, or a Seinfeld-promoted hand sanitizer? It’s gold, Jerry! Gold!

She gives me fever.

I did a little research. All flu illnesses and deaths are estimated calculations by the CDC and may take years for the numbers to jive. I also read, (you should read, but not Facebook. Real reading is good for you) that the coronavirus test kits are proving unreliable. Really?

Could this mean we have no idea how many true cases there are? This fact might make you feel less stressed or may cause you to feverishly search the Internet for the latest flu-conspiracy theories.

Zika the truth and you will find it.

·         What’s left for humanity?

·         Are we to be squished like a bug by a bug named after a beer?

·         Is Sears going to reissue their famous catalog due to a toilet paper shortage?

·         Will three ultimately really be a crowd?

Don’t call me for the answers.

I’ll be in Hawaii. I hear flights are getting cheaper by the minute.