Water, Water Everywhere, but not a Drop to Drink

“California’s so dry…someone snatched my bottled water but left my iPhone.”

-Unknown

 

In case you haven’t noticed Southern California is in a drought.

As I stand by helplessly and watch my lush, green lawn turn a beautiful shade of Jerry Brown, the whole drought thing is starting to hit home. I wrote about this a while back when it wasn’t such an issue; a rather dry, tongue-in-cheek look at our water woes. Well, the tide (okay, no more puns) has now turned. Water wasting has become a serious offense. You may soon be given ten to life for overindulging your begonias or hosing down your BMW.

This is not good news for me. Not because the ol’ Beemer is getting dusty (don’t own one), but because I love long, hot showers. In my opinion, the Wild West wouldn’t have been so wild if there were hot showers. I do believe the water heater is man’s second greatest invention. The first is obviously the BLT. I mean, who doesn’t like a good BLT on sourdough with mayo?  Am I right?

Come to think of it, why aren’t we discussing H2O *pipelines? Canada has all that ice they’re not using and we’re parched. Seems like a no-brainer to me. Forget the oil. Who wants to get in a car with someone who smells like woolly mammoth roadkill?  Here’s an idea. Maybe we could trade them a few dozen used movie stars for some water.

*Could someone please begin a Kickstarter campaign for a pipeline? The whales and dolphins are all set. Let’s save the Dove. I’m talking soap here. Without water, soap is basically useless unless you want to vandalize the windows on someone’s Beemer or stop your kid from mouthing off.

On the positive side, the ocean is nearby. If you don’t mind a few Great White sharks, a gang of neoprene-clad, over-possessive surfers, and a few gooey tar balls, there’s a huge salt water bathtub just up the road. And if that doesn’t wet your whistle (sorry), most grocery stores still provide free handy wipes at the front door. Who doesn’t want to smell lemony fresh?

All this water talk has made me thirsty. Think I’ll strain a little Crystal Geyser through some Starbucks Italian roast and then hit the shower.

Have a good, long soak. You’ll feel better.

K.G.

Bigfoot, Ebola and Ugly Shoes

Do you sleep with a .357 loaded with silver bullets under your pillow on the off chance that a werewolf might pull a Goldilocks while riding through your hood?  Or perhaps have a huge crucifix stashed in the nightstand just in case the pierced and pale teen from across the street really is a bloodsucker and not just making a fashion statement?

The most common fear is the “Little Miss Muffet Syndrome” or Arachnophobia.  I for one will admit I don’t like spiders. If I see one in the bedroom I will begin an archaeological search of Indiana Jones-ish proportions, leaving no cushion unturned, until the evil entity is safely entombed in a wad of Charmin and banished to the nether regions of the sewer. Whatever did our bug-killing forefathers do before the invention of toilet paper?

The next three are heights, tight spaces and flying. Hmmm. It’s a wonder any airline can stay in business.  And if we don’t have enough anxiety already, along comes Ebola. Now, even though this doesn’t scare me, I still go a bit Michael Jackson when I have to grab the black, rubber escalator thingie at the mall. What were they thinking?  It’s like a never ending germ smorgasbord. I have my eye on glove sales at the moment; might be a good future investment.

Bigfoot isn't an issue for me because I don’t spend a lot of time traipsing around in the woods. Not that I’m a camp-o-phobic, but I live near a freeway entrance so I am used to big, smelly, hairy guys approaching me. I am a bit sketchy when it comes to clowns though. Didn’t used to be. I blame Stephen King. I never looked at a clown the same after watching the movie “It.” And no, I don’t eat at McDonald’s.

My Top Five Fears:

5. Ugly Shoes

My best friend’s teenage son once commented on a new pair of shoes I’d just purchased. And I quote, “I guess you’ve just given up then?” Can you say, where’s the nearest Goodwill?

4. Going Bald

I think God knew it would be too traumatic for me so he let me keep my hair.  Besides, I have a funny shaped head and don’t look cool in hats. Never have. I’m so vain. Case closed.

3. Bad Guitar Tone

Okay, you non guitar players will not understand this, but the quest for “great tone” is as old as the desire for a nicely marbled brontosaurus steak and almost as impossible to attain. There is nothing worse than spending years crafting the perfect tone only to have someone say “that’s the best you’ve ever sounded” while playing through someone else’s crappy gear.

2. Being Licked by a Dog

Anything that frequently uses its tongue as a washcloth is automatically in the “gross” column. I threw up a little in my mouth just thinking about it.

1. Being Eaten by a Shark

They say the odds are greater that I will get struck by lightening.  But isn’t swimming in the ocean dressed like a seal similar to prancing around in a thunder storm decked out like the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz? Think about it.

K.G.