Ho, Ho, Holy Guacamole, It’s Winter

I’ve never been much of a winter guy. And no, I don’t go around whining when the temperature drops below my age. Okay, I do whine a bit more than necessary, but dog-gone-it, the reason I moved south from Northern California was the awesome weather. Oh, and the hope that I might run into some stars. Matter of fact, I thought I saw Steven Tyler of Aerosmith at the beach the other day, but it turned out to be just an old bag lady with whiskers. So taking into account I also don’t ski, snowboard or partake in any other sport that involves sliding or tumbling down a frozen mountain at 60 miles an hour, living in close proximity to where the Donner Party developed a taste for Mutton Jeff doesn’t do much for me. On the other hand, I don’t surf, body board, or in any way make myself chum for the sharks, but do visit the beach more than I ever went to the mountains. 

Although we are in a drought, the news people are crying wolf for rain this weekend. This is disconcerting to us (and them) because we wear really cool shoes here, and if they get wet we might get mad and never watch the news again. So even if the chance of rain is as slight as running into Kanye West at a Mensa conference, they warn us anyway. And besides, it gives them something to talk about besides shootings, high-speed chases, sports, and cute puppies that need a new home.

Now, being as anxiety ridden as I am, I always use plenty of waterproofing spray on my shoes so if there’s ever rain, a water main break, or a Grande Latte spill at Starbucks my shoes will still look fabulous, and that’s all that really matters here, right?

The one upside to rain is the squirrels will stop glaring at me through the window every time I chug a bottle of Sparkletts.

I realize El Niño is just around the corner, but as I finish this, the sun is still shining outside my patio door. I’ve heard it never rains in Southern California, or so goes the old song. Of course, it’s also said that rock-n-roll never forgets, but tell that to The Electric Prunes.

K.G.

Water, Water Everywhere, but not a Drop to Drink

“California’s so dry…someone snatched my bottled water but left my iPhone.”

-Unknown

 

In case you haven’t noticed Southern California is in a drought.

As I stand by helplessly and watch my lush, green lawn turn a beautiful shade of Jerry Brown, the whole drought thing is starting to hit home. I wrote about this a while back when it wasn’t such an issue; a rather dry, tongue-in-cheek look at our water woes. Well, the tide (okay, no more puns) has now turned. Water wasting has become a serious offense. You may soon be given ten to life for overindulging your begonias or hosing down your BMW.

This is not good news for me. Not because the ol’ Beemer is getting dusty (don’t own one), but because I love long, hot showers. In my opinion, the Wild West wouldn’t have been so wild if there were hot showers. I do believe the water heater is man’s second greatest invention. The first is obviously the BLT. I mean, who doesn’t like a good BLT on sourdough with mayo?  Am I right?

Come to think of it, why aren’t we discussing H2O *pipelines? Canada has all that ice they’re not using and we’re parched. Seems like a no-brainer to me. Forget the oil. Who wants to get in a car with someone who smells like woolly mammoth roadkill?  Here’s an idea. Maybe we could trade them a few dozen used movie stars for some water.

*Could someone please begin a Kickstarter campaign for a pipeline? The whales and dolphins are all set. Let’s save the Dove. I’m talking soap here. Without water, soap is basically useless unless you want to vandalize the windows on someone’s Beemer or stop your kid from mouthing off.

On the positive side, the ocean is nearby. If you don’t mind a few Great White sharks, a gang of neoprene-clad, over-possessive surfers, and a few gooey tar balls, there’s a huge salt water bathtub just up the road. And if that doesn’t wet your whistle (sorry), most grocery stores still provide free handy wipes at the front door. Who doesn’t want to smell lemony fresh?

All this water talk has made me thirsty. Think I’ll strain a little Crystal Geyser through some Starbucks Italian roast and then hit the shower.

Have a good, long soak. You’ll feel better.

K.G.

Big Bro

Most have heard the old saying “People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.” Pretty simple concept, I think. Don’t call your friend an idiot for wearing tie-dyed t-shirts and listening to the Grateful Dead if you’re following Justin Bieber on Twitter. But with each passing day, it becomes more evident that this common sense-ical adage has been kicked into the proverbial (pun so intended) gutter like MySpace and left to rot like a still-twitching appendage from The Walking Dead.

Okay, that was obviously a joke, but as I just finished 1984...

Musical Clarification: The George Orwell book, not that lame Van Halen album where Eddie V. decided that being a rock-guitar god wasn’t enough so he turned into the keyboardist for Flock of Seagulls. Jump? I would have if I lived anywhere near a bridge.



Anyway, I reread this book last week. Aside from the obvious fact that Big Brother is indeed watching us, yada, yada, yada, it’s crazy how many things that this author wrote about are coming true.  Just one is  the statement “Ignorance is Strength” (we have to pass the bill to find out what’s in it; huh?), fiddling around with history; America =bad/ Socialism =good. 2+2 equals 5 these days fer sure.

It’s strange how much my good old U.S. of A. has transformed in just the last ten years. Take what Mr. Orwell calls the “Thought Police.” Isn’t this already happening? I am surprised that taping private conversations with a cell phone and using it to destroy a person’s life is legal, let alone suddenly so popular.  Why isn’t anyone up in arms about this?  Isn’t this what people are accusing the government of doing, and so against? I would bet a billion dollars that a close friend of yours could testify (and confirm my suspicions) that you have said something that could be considered racist, politically incorrect or just plain old-fashioned stupid in your life. We all have. If you said you haven’t, you can add liar to your list.

Now, because of the drought and subsequent restrictions on water consumption the “Water Police” have arrived in California. As if we don’t have enough problems just avoiding the “work for food” guys, we are now are encouraged to seek out and turn in (rat out, if you will) those disgusting water wasters. Oh, it’s all confidential (wouldn’t want to be known as a Ra…er… tuner inner. In case you get the wrong idea, I am not in favor of wasting water. The thought of not being able to bathe is enough to cause me to spend every waking hour walking the streets looking for those who haven’t quite figured out that concrete is not alive, and will not grow no matter how much you soak it.

I think we should have fast food police.  We could deputize all the Vegans and send them out to bust the people who eat too much junk food and force them into gobbling down a few carrots. Or perhaps we could establish a “skinny jean, crop top and make-up” task force that would monitor bad fashion and stop people from purchasing garments that are too small. Or my personal favorite, the “Idiot Police.” Of course, most politicians would be instantly out of work. Oh well, there are plenty of programs they would be entitled to sign up for.

Yes, my paranoid friends, Big Bro is coming soon to a neighborhood near you.

K.G.