No Way You’re Going to Make a Monkey Out of Me

“Wouldn’t it be funny if I shaved one of those monkeys.”

-God to Michael

If evolution is true, why aren’t my arms longer so I don’t need glasses?

-Kenneth Goorabian

I assume Darwin sat around watching chimps one day and thought, hey, they look just like me. We must be related. Hmmm…

If that supposition holds true, then turtles must be aliens because they look an awful lot like E.T. sans the shell. Wait a minute.  A turtle’s shell is saucer-shaped and very similar in appearance to a UFO. Am I the first one to make this connection?  Just blew my own mind.

It’s my belief that life would be easier if we were monkeys. Getting our recommended intake of fruit and veggies without complaint would be eliminated, we’d be totally oblivious to the awesomeness of pizza, deep fried chicken wings and Twinkies, swinging in the trees is great exercise and we could run around naked. Plus, having a hairy back wouldn’t be a turn-off to the opposite sex.

Just think, if I were a monkey I could have skipped all the trepidation in high school when ordered to climb the rope. I’d have scampered up that thing like poop (ask your grandpa) through a goose, all the while grinnin’ like a … well, like a monkey.

I pondered this as I shaved my chest and back. Unfortunately I am more simian than I would like.

Maybe we are actually de-evolving. After all, monkeys have long arms and don’t wear glasses. Think about it.

K.G.

Howard, Brian and Me

Wash four distinct and separate times, using lots of

lather each time from individual bars of soap.

-Howard Hughes

The only reason I'd ever get a sex change operation is

to see what it's like to be right all the time.

-Brian Wilson

It just amazes me that in this day and age one can live

virtually (pun intended) free of any interference from the outside world.

Modern technology is so cool.

-K. Goorabian

Got a new computer today. The old one was getting too slow and as a writer or porn star, you’re only as good as your tools. Am I right? I also deposited a check from my iPhone for the first time today. I consider it fortunate that I hadn’t discovered these modern conveniences earlier.  Having an itty-bitty (my wife is shaking her head) problem with anxiety, had I been brave enough to explore these new technological marvels on my own I surely would still be hiding in my man-cave, shades drawn, marathon binging America’s Next Top Model with a Little Caesar’s pepperoni pizza (ordered on-line of course) perched precariously on my chubby little belly.

Ah, but fate in the form of a lovey lassie (wife, not the dog) intervened, which is a good thing. My therapist said I was about a year away from becoming a less rich and infinitely less interesting Howard Hughes. I disagreed. After all, I cut my nails and hair on a regular basis and had never made a bad B-Movie. In fact, I considered myself more of a better looking, though not even close to as talented and slightly less crazy Brian Wilson kinda guy. I even briefly flirted with the idea of having artificial grass installed under my computer desk. Sand is way too messy and eventually ends up in the most irritating and embarrassing places. Maybe this is what drove Brian crazy. Just a thought.

Anxiety isn’t so bad though. Through the years it’s kept me from doing a lot of stupid things; like buying a new BMW I probably wouldn’t drive with my first royalty check. Although, having a vintage Beemer with no miles on it might fetch a few dollars. I have enough things I don’t use in the garage already.

I am, thanks to my wife, coming around. I now have a part-time job. I’ve also said goodbye to my therapist, but cling doggedly to my psychiatrist due to the fact she has my best interests at heart and is in control of the prescription pad. She’s a pretty good doctor. Well, except for making me take a drug test because of my incessant use of the word “eat” when talking about my meds. Doesn’t everyone eat their pills? Oh well, I am a product of the ‘60s. I blame the culture. I still get misty eyed when I see a pair of bell bottoms.

Life is good. My waistline is way less than my age, and I have a fabulous wife. All in all, I’m grateful to just be alive and not playing in a country band.

Yet.

K.G.

Necessity is the Mother of Invention

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”

-Thomas A. Edison

 

“Jazz isn't dead. It just smells funny.”

-Frank Zappa

Recently, I went to the funeral of my aunt. She lived to be 102. Crazy, right? Hard to imagine living that long.

It got me thinking about the marvels she witnessed during her lifetime. When she was growing up the term “Fast Food” meant something you had to run after to catch. And prior to the internet, browsing actually meant using your legs to walk around. Kind of like exercise.  Barbaric, I tell you.

We are so blessed. We live in a time where 7-11 sells pizza, a tall Starbuck’s coffee is still slightly less than a gallon of gas, and we are able to genetically scramble our food so the bugs won’t eat it. Just spitballin’ here, but if they won’t eat it, should we?

I have a few ideas of my own all you rocket scientists should be working on.

1. Tweak my Cap’n Crunch so it won’t get soggy in milk. All the once wasted cereal would go a long way towards solving the hunger problem.

2. Rearrange my* dog’s genes so he will take himself for a walk and clean up his own business. People would have so much time on their hands they would be free to tackle such pressing issues as world peace and stuff.

*Okay, I don’t have a dog. I think my wife’s words were “Over my dead body,” so as soon they genetically mutate one to fit in my wallet… woof.

3. Modify pizza cheese so it won’t stick to the roof of my mouth like mozzarella napalm. This seems like a no-brainer. I’m surprised the military hasn’t made a bomb out of hot pizza cheese.

4. Make a banana that turns into bacon when it rots. Oh, yeah. Bananas would be flying off the shelves. This would turn around the economies of many third world countries.

5. Create a chicken with four wings. I really like chicken wings.

K.G.