Hair Today, Gone To Maui

Dear Abby,

I have women issues. Can’t seem to have any long-term relationships. There are never any red flags, no odd behavior, no “it’s not you, it’s me” speeches, just an unannounced vanishing act. What’s a guy to do?

Signed,

Frustrated in Fullerton

Unfortunately, I once again (heavy sigh) find myself alone. I’ve never been one to mope, but I’m starting to think I’ll never find (and keep) “the one.” And try as I might to be a desirable partner, I can’t seem to keep a relationship with a woman going. Oh, I briefly flirted with the idea of “switching teams.” This was quickly dismissed.  Sharing my innermost thoughts and dreams with another man just don’t float my boat. So here I am, sitting in the dark at the keyboard trying to self-analyze just what went wrong for the umpteenth time. 

Was I really doing my best to be a desirable partner? I thought so. I was generous with my time and money, never cheated and showered her with praise her every time we met. I wasn’t jealous when she spent time with other guys, waited patiently when I showed up and she wasn’t ready, and always tried to keep the conversations intelligent and current, but also wouldn’t avoid the deep subjects. I made a point never to bash or compare her to my ex’s, and when I called and said I was coming I always kept my word. I encouraged her to be herself and if she wanted to experiment a bit, well, hey, I was all in.  So what gives?

I guess in the end we just wanted different things. She wanted bigger and better and I was happy with the status quo. I’m sure the age difference was a factor. I couldn’t really expect a 21-year-old to hang with a 61-year-old man for long. She wanted to climb mountains, I was into naps. Pipe dream at most. But when we were together I felt so special, like I was the only guy in her world.  

I miss her a lot. The thought of having to find a woman to replace her sends my anxiety levels through the roof. But in the end I will. I always do.

My wife is always supportive when I go through a crisis like this. And I love her for it. But she says I am starting to look shaggy so I’d better find a new hairdresser.

New relationships are always so challenging. It’s all a matter of trust.

K.G.

The Forrest Gump Syndrome

The Forrest Gump Syndrome

(Excerpt from “Hot Grandpa: A Boomer’s Adventures in Cyber Dating”)

Now, let’s examine the following quote:  “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get.”

Monsieur Gump’s above statement so embodies the online dating experience most of us have experienced that I almost cringe when I read it.  I dare say there’s more fudging (pun so-intended) on cyber-dating profiles than on most income tax forms.  Does filling out a simple love questionnaire suddenly cause temporary Alzheimer’s?  I believe someone should do a study on this.

But Mr. G’s sweet proclamation is spot on, isn’t it?  He was a visionary and philosopher; a true renaissance man.  Way ahead of his time, if you ask me.

The only other person to come close is Patrick Starfish, sidekick to SpongeBob SquarePants.  And I quote:  “Being grown-up is boring.  Besides, I don’t get jazz.”

Sorry.  Occasionally my inner child sneaks out of the crib.

Continuing with the box ‘o chocolates analogy, I find that hours spent searching for love online can be compared to blissfully nibbling away on an unlimited supply of cyber bon-bons in the hope of finding a diamond while trying desperately not to chip a virtual sweet tooth on a hidden blue-eyed CZ.

Another problem is the box of chocolates keeps growing larger and larger every day, which, in turn, causes us to completely disregard the age-old “bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” lesson our ancestors understood so well.  It becomes so hard to settle for fluffy nougat when a few rows over could be the cherry center of your dreams.

Let’s get real, shall we?  There are only so many raspberry truffles to go around.  Sometimes one must take a chance on a coconut crème or a Peppermint Patty.  Who knows?  It might just be a flavor you could fall in love with.

Caloric Side Note:

Statistics say couples gain on average 14 pounds once they get comfortable in a new relationship.

Really?

So, as you hunt and peck your way to sugary surrender, keep in mind:  If you’re advertising yourself as a soft, creamy caramel in the hope of snagging the love glutton of your dreams, sooner or later he or she will be inclined to take a bite and quickly find out you’re really just a wee bit nutty inside, which to some other unsuspecting nibbler might just spell sweet success.

So be real, be yourself, and remember these words of wisdom from Charlie Brown’s creator:  “All you need is love.  But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” -Charles M. Schulz

Jusqu'à ce que nous nous reverrons,

K.G.