Singin’ in the Rain

Unless you’ve been living under a rock or get your news from Honey Boo Boo, most of you know we Californians are having water woes; a severe drought to be specific.  So as a loyal native (not to be confused with the people who own the casinos, but I was born here) I always try to do my part when things go a bit south.

I have heard that bathing in European (E.U = P.U.) countries is not part of their daily routine.  A little pit (B.O. pun so intended) stop once a week seems to be the norm, but, like most civilized Americans I make it a point to bathe at least once a day. Occasionally, a second or third dunking might be required due to strenuous workouts, a job interview or excess caffeine, but once is the general rule of scum, er… thumb.

Here are a few suggestions on how to stay clean, keep your water bill down and avoid the California Water Police.

• The car wash shower. When at the car wash, pretend you left your baby unattended inside the swagger van, then rush into the soapy water. Apologize profusely that it was all a silly mistake while standing under the giant blowers.

• The pool shower. Most apartment complexes have showers in the pool area. Who doesn’t enjoy a refreshing shower at poolside first thing in the morning? If the manager gives you any flack, simply dive into the pool while pointing at the “Shower before entering Pool” sign. If you don’t live in the complex…. Run.

• The beach shower. If you live near any beach, they also have free outdoor showers. Only drawback might be the lack of hot water, but it’s worth it not to airmail a “reek-o-gram” to the hot girl who sits next to you at work. As a last resort, there’s the ocean. You will smell like rotting seaweed, but if you die at work the salt will preserve your body temporarily, so you might get a couple extra hours in.

• Shower with your Honey. Now this is a bit trickier. Climbing into the shower with your love bunny may sound like a good way to conserve water, but from personal experience water + soap-on-a-rope + skin = Late for Work.

Lastly, I hear that because of the drought, all California Starbucks stores are going to begin brewing coffee made with leftover coffee.  Genius. Tentative name:  “No Sleep ‘til Brooklyn.”

 K.G.

I Want to Look Like Heidi Klum

I Want to Look Like Heidi Klum…

 … but I’m 5’2”, brunette and 50. 

The above statement was made by my wife in response to my desire to have the body of a 20-year-old male model, complete with a six pack and buns of steel. My name is Kenny, I’m 60, gray and delusional. Okay, you can laugh now.  Body self-image is such a strange thing.

Is it ego that keeps me striving for the impossible dream? Possibly. Sometimes I long to chug chocolate milkshakes while sitting in my La-Z-Boy attired in an undersized Polo shirt, plaid Bermuda shorts, black dress socks and wingtips; moobs to the wind. Is that too much to ask?

Being a rock musician for almost 50 years (yeah, I saw Jimi, Janus and Morrison; don’t be jealous), my greatest fear is stepping onto the stage and having people assume I play in a blues band. Now, I have nothing against the blues, a few of my earliest influences were B.B. King and Peter Green, who IMHO were two of the greatest guitarists who ever lived, but as one ages it appears as though there’s an unwritten rule that states one must hang up the rock and roll power chords for a twelve bar blues progression in the key of “A”. Yawn.

My Vows:

 I vow to never even consider looking at a “Manx” Website. I work out like a madman in a vain attempt to fight my arch nemesis, GRAVITY. Moobs are not an option, nor do they come as standard equipment.

I vow to never shop at Costco, or go on stage wearing “old blues band guy attire,” which includes “Dad” jeans and a Mexican Wedding Shirt. If you are unfamiliar with this shirt, and you play in a blues band, look in your closet. You probably have several.  If you still want to dress hip and cool without looking silly, this can be done. There is no written rule that you have to be gay to dress well. Don’t let your wife buy your clothes in bulk. Khaki is not a pop of color.

I vow to limit my French fries intake. Well, some things are nearly beyond the realm of human possibility, but that purple, slim-fit, V-neck is slammin’. I could totally rock that.

K.G.

Statistically Speaking

Let’s talk statistics.  . Generally, I find most of them boring and a complete waste of time, but occasionally they are giggle worthy.

Example:

• Statistics say that one in four people are insane.  So take a look at your three BFF’s and if they're all normal, then it’s you.

• If you pet a cat 70 million times, you will generate enough static electricity to power a 60-watt light bulb for 1 minute.

Did someone actually try this?  That would be one patient cat.

Baby-Boomer statistics are quite interesting.

Here are some more fun ones:

• During the Boomer era, 1946-1964, according to the US Census, 77 million people were born, or if you prefer, “a whole lotta shakin’ was going on,” to paraphrase Jerry lee Lewis.

• Every 7 seconds an American celebrates a 50th birthday. If I worked for L’Oreal or Grecian Formula I’d be thrilled to have 12,500 potential customers every day. Another survey say every 7 seconds is how often men think about sex….  Sorry, where were we? I was thinking about something else.

• Scarborough says Boomers make up 35% of the American adult population. I myself would challenge this. I rarely meet an adult under 50, and when I do, they are usually selling insurance or managing a 7-11.

• ICSC states that the 55+ age group controls more than three-fourths of America’s wealth, but that Boomers have lately begun to see a decrease their net worth. I truly believe if their kids would get up off the couch, shave, get a job and move out, this would turn around instantly.

• Those Boomers love them some technology. 72% are active on the Internet and 36% own a smartphone, although it’s my guess that 33% of them don’t know how to put someone on hold while they take another call, or is it just me?

• Lastly, to quote the US Government Consumer Expenditure Survey (I wonder how much they paid someone to come up with that name) 55-64 year olds outspend the average consumer in nearly every category, including food away from home (we now have the Gay Whopper, so how about the Gray Whopper, Burger King?), household furnishings (please bring back the “Shag” carpet), entertainment (I hear “Nip and Tuck”, eh… you know… Manilow and Newton are slayin’ them in Vegas), personal care (hmmm…guess it “Depends” on what they’re buying) and gifts (they just love to spoil those grandchildren, don’t they?).

(An excerpt from “Hot Grandpa: A Boomer’s Adventure in Cyber-Dating”)

Bye for now,

K.G.- AKA “the loquacious expounder of Sisyphean drivel.”